Greatest Hits: Why I’m Afraid of Zombie Clowns and Why You Should Be Too


This post was surprisingly popular and I discovered how many people are also afraid of zombie clowns.  If you weren’t before, you will be now!

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Do you remember the post I wrote about my fear of the dark?  Well, at the bottom of it, I mentioned my fear of both zombies and clowns, and my newest-ish fear of Zombie Clowns.  You can laugh all you’d like, but I have good reasons to fear these things.

We’ll start with zombies.

Working in the medical field has taught me a lot of things, but working in research has taught me even more.  Like why we should all fear the zombie apocalypse.  You see, while everyone thinks zombies are very “in” right now, the truth is, they aren’t as science fiction as you might think they are.

The origin of nearly every zombie story can be traced back to a virus or mutation.  But what is often overlooked in those stories is that those viruses or mutations are usually made by us, as in Mankind.  We tinker about in our laboratories and play with this that or the other virus, biological weapon or newest medication to cure erectile dysfunction and the next thing you know, ZOMBIES.

I worked in research and I’m telling you right now, that for all of our protocols, safety equipment and what not, it’s still possible.  I got nicked with a used needle once after giving an injection and that was me being more worried about a deadly virus that currently exists, rather than one that might not.  I’m not saying that zombies already exist, I’m not crazy, but I don’t think it’s wholly illogical to think that they could in the future.

We don’t always know what the side effects of medications are going to be and our curiousity about what we can do with science and technology knows no bounds!  That’s all well and good, but both of those are things that, in the perfect storm, lead to zombies.  Whether it’s a laboratory worker who accidently inhales something or cuts himself, or a medication that we created that did great… Until human clinical trials were started.  It doesn’t really matter exactly how the general public gets infected, what matters is that once they do, it’s pretty hard to stop.  And I have no doubt we will have smart zombies like the ones from I Am Legend, rather then the dumb ones from Dawn of the Dead.

So, now that we’ve established the likelihood and reality that is the zombie apocalypse, let’s talk about clowns.

Clowns are creepy as hell.  If that’s not enough for you to also be afraid of them, consider this: Why are they always so happy? I’m going with, because they have plans to kill everyone and it’s their own little inside joke.  Need more? Let’s talk about the insanity it takes to be someone who wears oversized clothes and shoes everyday.  Or the fact that people laugh at them for doing things like falling down.  Maybe he just slipped and needs a hand, huh? Did you ever think of that?  But if people point and laugh at you long enough, you would also plan on killing everyone.  I figure it creates a boiling rage and the laughter becomes all consuming in their minds and they have decided that wiping out humanity is the only way to make it stop.  And/or (because it could very well be a combination of both) it’s because they are all homicidal maniacs that want to wrap you in pods of cotton candy and drink your blood with a curly straw a la Killer Clowns From Outer Space.  Come to think of it, that movie may have a lot to do with my fear of clowns…Either way, I’ve now laid out excellent and well thought out arguments as to why you should fear both zombies and clowns.  So what about Zombie Clowns?

If you’ve read the above arguments, than Zombie Clowns needs no further explanation.